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I don’t update this blog very much and I’m sorry. Anyway. I am back in school, this time at a different 4-year college rather than a 2-year. Also different is that I’m taking a butt load of classes so I know I won’t be on SL very much, also meaning my sporadic blogging will go to nonexistent. Personally I don’t think I’m cut out for blogging so yeah. Anyway I MIGHT try, maybe not too hard, to blog just so that way my one reader will know what I’m doing.

Adia and Balt

FYI: I’m two meds for one mental problem, one regularly for two problems, and one as needed, like once I start throwing things or seriously thinking about hurting myself. I also feel fine during the day and then night comes and I get all moody. Wow I think i got of that funk, hua-za. Fell back into the funk.

I am attracted to really hot guys, what makes me depressed is the fact I will never date him. At least not with the way I look. Those guys are not interested in me. Well, I’m overweight, hairy, and oddly arranged. According to my sociology book, people marry people that are at similarly attractive. I don’t want to marry another overweight, hairy, and oddly arranged person. I really don’t. I want to look at the other person, not just close my eyes and pretend. I want Prince Charming. Good looking, caring, sweet, among the other dating cliches. And I don’t want to see my face in the other person. I want to see someone that isn’t like me

Also here is another problem, I’m at the beginning of wanting to date. I have been on two dates without realizing they were dates. I have to be 13 again. I have never during all of high school want to date someone and up ’til September really had a crush that was sexual and once it started to wane I suddenly realized that I’m fucking lonely in the romantic sense. I don’t do much except stay home, play on the computer, and sleep. I’m an only child and for a long time I have had to play on my own, so it is easy to stay in every weekend or really need the comfort of friends outside of the school environment. So suddenly I am thrown out of that way of thinking without any tools to help myself. By this time in a normal person’s development they are growing out of the thinking of just looking for attractive people, having since throws of puberty at around 10-13, to 18-24 to starting to mature out of that thinking. And I’m just starting. I have always been the late bloomer and it really drives me up walls. I have to deal with ten years of maturing, and then establishing my career, but that I expected, while people around me are going to start getting married and have a family.

And what is wrong about having a hot first boyfriend, it is not like I’m going to end up forever with them. I want to be vain for once. It is practically a gay rule! I defy a lot of gay rules! I’m not attractive, a clubber, sexually active, concerned about my appearance, wanting to buy luxury goods, although luxury sometimes looks good. Everyone keeps telling me that they are all jerks and boring. There are always exceptions. I wish I could just dissect personalities based on 1 minute of watching them, so I could find the sweet and interesting one that wouldn’t mind to date Uncle Fester.

Yes, I magically want to be fit and toned, who doesn’t, but my appearance is low of my list of priories.

1) School – I have a career goal that demands me in the classroom for at least 6-8+ years.
2) Computer/SL
3) Sleep.
4) Me Time

7). Social Life

12)Appearance
….
20) Getting healthy

Working out is dull, hard and painful, where I would rather be interested, stressed and flying through work. Schoolwork is easy for me. It is something that I enjoy. Sure I get stressed, but honestly I feel better stressed. No pain, no game? I don’t feel rewarded as getting an A on work, by working out. I feel nothing. Funny thing you would think I love flattery, I can’t stand being told that transfering into a top-notch school was hard, because I always put myself down as the charity case. I will always deny the fact of my achievements, and when I don’t achieve I put down myself for that. Yes, sometimes I’m proud of myself for achieving things, but there is always my insecurities lurking around the corner. Yes, I have to be the best, because without being #1, in our society, whether you hate or not, #1 gets all the love. No, my parents didn’t force me to be competitive. I forced myself. My best is #1, but there is someone standing in the way. People will then come to the conclusion that in fact my best isn’t #1 but #2, #3, or #1,000,000. There is no love in our society for #2. Yes, my parents loved me. But do I love me? Sometimes. I like my personality, but there are so many areas that need vast improvement. I need better timing in regards of telling jokes, not just being snarky or sarcastic. I need to be an A 90.00+% personality rather than a B+ 89.5%. There are so many areas that need to be changed in order for me to be cocky about myself. I want to show myself off. People love self-assured people and frankly I’m not, so I’m not being loved to the fullest extent. I want to be loved by everyone. Yes, realistically that won’t happen, but I want to be loved by almost all people that I come into contact with. There are only few and I want to be in that group so bad. I hate being outside. That is what I have been all my life. Outside of the social groups even though I can somewhat put myself into, but still I DON’T FIT. I HAVE NEVER FIT IN ANYWHERE!!! WHY CAN’T THERE BE A WHOLE BUNCH OF PEOPLE LIKE ME AND WHY CAN’T I FUCKING FIND THEM BY 21?! AND WHY DO THEY ALWAYS HAVE TO BE UNATTRACTIVE TO ME?! No, I don’t want the whole world to me just be me. Life is a journey and answers will be relieved as you come up to them, but if feels as if others at 21 are way ahead of me in figuring out life. I had to go through 5 years of just trying to maintain mental stability and just as I thought I was stable this whole thing has to explode on me, so therefore it is again putting off dating because I really don’t want to put others through my personal hell, but part of me wants someone that I can lean on making this a catch-22 which drives me up taller walls.

Hey have a safe holiday. I’m sorry I haven’t been blogging. Plurk is very much to blame and the fact that I have few things to write on. I’m going to try to blog at least once a week, writing on almost anything SL or RL. I have some ideas so I feel ready to expound on those soon. Anyway, stay safe, and have a happy July 4th even if you don’t celebrate the holiday. 🙂

Balt and Adia

Balt’s answers to Stein Shilova’s Literary Meme:

1) What author do you own the most books by?

Rowling

2) What book do you own the most copies of?

Atlas Shrugged

3) Did it bother you that both those questions ended with prepositions?

why should it?

4) What fictional character are you secretly in love with?

Jasper from the Thursday Next Series

5) What book have you read the most times in your life?

Atlas Shrugged, took me three attempts to get all the way through. I don’t typically reread books

6) What was your favorite book when you were ten years old?

i don’t remember if i had a favorite

7) What is the worst book you’ve read in the past year?
The Summoner by Gail Z. Martin

8) What is the best book you’ve read in the past year?

hmmm I would say Atlas Shrugged, although the philosophy behind the book is totally wrong.

9) If you could force everyone you tagged to read one book, what would it be?

Shame By Salman Rushdie

10) Who deserves to win the next Nobel Prize for literature?

Haruki Murakami, twisted turn on life

11) What book would you most like to see made into a movie?

Thursday Next series

12) What book would you least like to see made into a movie?

Um I don’t really like book movies

13) Describe your weirdest dream involving a writer, book, or literary character.

If it ever happened I don’t remember

14) What is the most lowbrow book you’ve read as an adult?

Twilight *hisses*

15) What is the most difficult book you’ve ever read?

Against the Day by Thomas Pynchon

16) What is the most obscure Shakespeare play you’ve seen?

12th Night

17) Do you prefer the French or the Russians?

French

18) Roth or Updike?

never read

19) Hemingway or Faulkner?

Hemingway

20) Shakespeare, Milton, or Chaucer?

Shakespeare

21) Austen or Eliot?

Eliot

22) What is the biggest or most embarrassing gap in your reading?

classics

23) What is your favorite novel?

That always is a tough answer. hmmmm Anything by Jasper Fforde

24) Play? From what century or major literary era?

A Streetcar Named Desire 1950s

25) Poem?

Emily Dickenson’s one about Death coming to collect the speaker

26) Essay?

Emile Durkheim’s The Elementary Forms of the Religious Life

27) Short story?

The Next Thing by Steven Millhauser in Harper’s May 08 issue

28) Work of non-fiction?

Global Pentecostalism by Donald E. Miller and Tetsunao Yamamori

29) Who is the most overrated writer alive today?

Dean Koontz (yeah, I cheated and used Ryker’s answer. But she’s right.)

31) What is your desert island book?

Shame

32) And … what are you reading right now?

Hubert’s Freaks by Gregory Gibson
Lady Chatterley’s Lover by D.H. Lawrence
Elementry Forms of the Religious Life by Emile Durkheim
The Anthropology of Religion by Fiona Bowie (More of a textbook but still it is a good read.)

I’m back at school and enjoying my classes. Since I have a longer period of waiting time on MW that is when I will be posting again. Yay Barack Obama is in office! Yay! Anyway, til tomorrow! 🙂

To all my American readers, yes I know I have some, Happy Turkey Day! To the rest of the world Happy THURSDAY! 😛

Stay safe all of you! Don’t drink and drive!

Balt!

Hi my name is Balthasar Bookmite and I’m an avatar in Second Life(tm). I was supposed to be an alternate account, but that changed when I preferred playing, well, myself. I will post my random musings on both the real world and Second Life(tm) and possibly share some of my photos that I have taken along the way. Over the year I have been a resident in Second Life(tm) and I’m still addicted, but not that addicted. Anyway this is always the most awkward post because you don’t really know what to talk about and you don’t want to sound really into your self. Hmm, well I guess you have to be somewhat into yourself to be posting your life on the internet for all to read, but I guess we all that way to a degree. O also I design lamps for Second Life(tm) houses which  is fun because it allows me to be creative. Im also a DJ for a small club which I enjoy going to in Second Life(tm).  (This trademarking thing is getting annoying). Anyway, thats all I have to say at least right now, that, and I have to go to class.

 

Bye for now

Balthasar