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FYI: I’m two meds for one mental problem, one regularly for two problems, and one as needed, like once I start throwing things or seriously thinking about hurting myself. I also feel fine during the day and then night comes and I get all moody. Wow I think i got of that funk, hua-za. Fell back into the funk.

I am attracted to really hot guys, what makes me depressed is the fact I will never date him. At least not with the way I look. Those guys are not interested in me. Well, I’m overweight, hairy, and oddly arranged. According to my sociology book, people marry people that are at similarly attractive. I don’t want to marry another overweight, hairy, and oddly arranged person. I really don’t. I want to look at the other person, not just close my eyes and pretend. I want Prince Charming. Good looking, caring, sweet, among the other dating cliches. And I don’t want to see my face in the other person. I want to see someone that isn’t like me

Also here is another problem, I’m at the beginning of wanting to date. I have been on two dates without realizing they were dates. I have to be 13 again. I have never during all of high school want to date someone and up ’til September really had a crush that was sexual and once it started to wane I suddenly realized that I’m fucking lonely in the romantic sense. I don’t do much except stay home, play on the computer, and sleep. I’m an only child and for a long time I have had to play on my own, so it is easy to stay in every weekend or really need the comfort of friends outside of the school environment. So suddenly I am thrown out of that way of thinking without any tools to help myself. By this time in a normal person’s development they are growing out of the thinking of just looking for attractive people, having since throws of puberty at around 10-13, to 18-24 to starting to mature out of that thinking. And I’m just starting. I have always been the late bloomer and it really drives me up walls. I have to deal with ten years of maturing, and then establishing my career, but that I expected, while people around me are going to start getting married and have a family.

And what is wrong about having a hot first boyfriend, it is not like I’m going to end up forever with them. I want to be vain for once. It is practically a gay rule! I defy a lot of gay rules! I’m not attractive, a clubber, sexually active, concerned about my appearance, wanting to buy luxury goods, although luxury sometimes looks good. Everyone keeps telling me that they are all jerks and boring. There are always exceptions. I wish I could just dissect personalities based on 1 minute of watching them, so I could find the sweet and interesting one that wouldn’t mind to date Uncle Fester.

Yes, I magically want to be fit and toned, who doesn’t, but my appearance is low of my list of priories.

1) School – I have a career goal that demands me in the classroom for at least 6-8+ years.
2) Computer/SL
3) Sleep.
4) Me Time

7). Social Life

12)Appearance
….
20) Getting healthy

Working out is dull, hard and painful, where I would rather be interested, stressed and flying through work. Schoolwork is easy for me. It is something that I enjoy. Sure I get stressed, but honestly I feel better stressed. No pain, no game? I don’t feel rewarded as getting an A on work, by working out. I feel nothing. Funny thing you would think I love flattery, I can’t stand being told that transfering into a top-notch school was hard, because I always put myself down as the charity case. I will always deny the fact of my achievements, and when I don’t achieve I put down myself for that. Yes, sometimes I’m proud of myself for achieving things, but there is always my insecurities lurking around the corner. Yes, I have to be the best, because without being #1, in our society, whether you hate or not, #1 gets all the love. No, my parents didn’t force me to be competitive. I forced myself. My best is #1, but there is someone standing in the way. People will then come to the conclusion that in fact my best isn’t #1 but #2, #3, or #1,000,000. There is no love in our society for #2. Yes, my parents loved me. But do I love me? Sometimes. I like my personality, but there are so many areas that need vast improvement. I need better timing in regards of telling jokes, not just being snarky or sarcastic. I need to be an A 90.00+% personality rather than a B+ 89.5%. There are so many areas that need to be changed in order for me to be cocky about myself. I want to show myself off. People love self-assured people and frankly I’m not, so I’m not being loved to the fullest extent. I want to be loved by everyone. Yes, realistically that won’t happen, but I want to be loved by almost all people that I come into contact with. There are only few and I want to be in that group so bad. I hate being outside. That is what I have been all my life. Outside of the social groups even though I can somewhat put myself into, but still I DON’T FIT. I HAVE NEVER FIT IN ANYWHERE!!! WHY CAN’T THERE BE A WHOLE BUNCH OF PEOPLE LIKE ME AND WHY CAN’T I FUCKING FIND THEM BY 21?! AND WHY DO THEY ALWAYS HAVE TO BE UNATTRACTIVE TO ME?! No, I don’t want the whole world to me just be me. Life is a journey and answers will be relieved as you come up to them, but if feels as if others at 21 are way ahead of me in figuring out life. I had to go through 5 years of just trying to maintain mental stability and just as I thought I was stable this whole thing has to explode on me, so therefore it is again putting off dating because I really don’t want to put others through my personal hell, but part of me wants someone that I can lean on making this a catch-22 which drives me up taller walls.

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